The idea of “I could have done better” is a pervasive thought that many people experience when reflecting on past decisions or actions. While this sentiment may seem natural or even constructive, it can actually be a trap that leads to circular thinking and logical fallacies.
The idea of “I could have done better”, being told “you could have done better”, and the implication (implicit, explicit, innuendo etc) of “I’m not good enough” can function as a trap.
= The Retrospective Fallacy: Hindsight Bias and the Illusion of Control =
“I could have done better” is rooted in the “retrospective fallacy“, often manifesting as “hindsight bias“. This cognitive bias occurs when people believe they could have predicted or influenced an outcome after it has already happened. The illusion of control, which is the belief that one has more control over events than they actually do, or did, compounds this fallacy. Learn more about logical fallacies here: https://ethanewise.com/master-list-of-logical-fallacies/
When someone reflects on a past event and thinks, “I could have done better,” they are engaging in a form of counterfactual thinking that assumes they had more knowledge or power at the time than was realistic, or realistically possible.
In truth, decisions are made based on the information available, or emotions, at the moment, within the context of circumstances, feelings, and constraints that cannot be replicated or fully understood in hindsight.
The belief that one “could have done better” is often based on an unrealistic reassessment of past conditions, making it logically unsound.
= Circular Thinking: The Infinite Regression of “Better” =
The concept of “doing better” is inherently subjective and can lead to circular thinking. This occurs when the mind gets caught in an infinite loop of possibilities, each one theoretically better than the last. For example, if someone believes they could have done better in a given situation, they might then think of an alternative course of action. However, once this alternative is considered, another potential improvement might present itself, leading to yet another “better” option, and so on.
This infinite regression creates a logical paradox: if there is always a “better” option, then no choice can ever be truly optimal. This undermines the very idea of “doing better,” as it suggests that no matter what decision one makes, there will always be a superior alternative just out of reach. The pursuit of this unattainable “better” becomes a trap, leading to perpetual dissatisfaction and self-doubt.
= The Fallacy of Perfectionism: The Impossibility of Flawlessness =
Another logical flaw in the idea of “I could have done better” lies in the fallacy of perfectionism. This fallacy is the erroneous belief that one should strive for flawlessness or that perfection is achievable.
When individuals hold themselves to impossibly high standards, they set themselves up for failure and disappointment. The thought “I could have done better” often stems from a perfectionist mindset, where any outcome short of ideal is deemed inadequate. Additionally, reaching perfection never occurs, setting the individual up for disappointment or self judgment.
However, perfection is an illusory concept; it is inherently unattainable because human actions are influenced by a multitude of factors, including limited information, external pressures, and emotional responses.
To believe that one could always “do better” is to ignore the complexities and limitations of being human and the human condition. This unrealistic expectation creates a mental trap, where individuals are constantly chasing an impossible standard, leading to a cycle of self-criticism and regret.
The ever fleeting unattainable goal of perfectionism often stops individuals from even starting to take action, because they know they cannot reach that goal and become discouraged or feel hopeless, so they take no actions or steps forward.
= The Trap of External Validation =
Social expectations, cultural norms, and comparisons with others often play a significant role in shaping this belief. When individuals measure their actions against the perceived success of others or societal ideals, perfectionism portrayed in media and social media, they may feel inadequate or believe they should have performed better.
This external validation trap is problematic because it shifts the focus away from personal growth and self-acceptance toward an endless pursuit of approval from others. The belief that one “could have done better” is often not rooted in personal values or goals but in the desire to meet external expectations. This can lead to a disconnection from one’s own sense of fulfillment and purpose, as the individual becomes trapped in a cycle of striving for an elusive standard defined by others.
= “I Could Have Done Better” in the Context of Abusive Relationships =
The idea that “I could have done better” becomes even more insidious when it is manipulated within the context of abusive relationships, particularly those involving narcissism or other forms of emotional abuse.
Abusers often exploit this thought pattern to exert control and diminish the self-worth of their victims, leading to a cycle of blame, guilt, and dependency.
= Manipulation of Hindsight Bias: Gaslighting and Control =
In abusive relationships, particularly those involving narcissistic individuals, the abuser may deliberately manipulate the victim’s sense of hindsight bias to maintain control. Gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser causes the victim to doubt their reality, is a common tactic. The abuser may repeatedly suggest that the victim “should have known better” or “could have done better” in various situations, thereby planting seeds of doubt and self-blame.
For example, a narcissistic partner might criticize a victim for not anticipating their emotional outbursts or for failing to meet unrealistic expectations. By suggesting that the victim could have prevented conflict by “doing better,” the abuser reinforces the victim’s sense of inadequacy and dependence on the abuser’s judgment. This manipulation deepens the victim’s belief that they are at fault for the abuser’s behavior, trapping them in a cycle of self-doubt and guilt.
= Circular Thinking as a Tool of Entrapment: The Never-Ending Quest to Please =
Circular thinking becomes a particularly powerful tool in abusive relationships, where the victim may be led to believe that no matter what they do, they can never fully satisfy the abuser. The abuser may shift the goalposts constantly, demanding more from the victim under the pretense that they could always “do better.”
For instance, a victim might be told that if they had only acted differently, the abuser would not have gotten angry or withdrawn affection. The victim, caught in the loop of trying to find the “better” way to behave, becomes ensnared in an endless quest to please the abuser. This cycle of trying to improve, only to be told it is never enough, wears down the victim’s self-esteem and sense of autonomy, making it harder for them to recognize the abuse and break free from the relationship.
= The Perfectionism Trap: Exploiting Insecurities =
Abusers, especially narcissists, often exploit the perfectionism trap to keep their victims off-balance and insecure. By holding the victim to impossible standards and implying that they should always “do better,” the abuser creates a situation where the victim feels perpetually inadequate. This sense of inadequacy is then used to justify the abuser’s criticism, punishment, or emotional withdrawal.
For example, an abuser might belittle a victim for not being the “perfect” partner, parent, or employee, suggesting that any flaws in these areas are proof that the victim is not good enough. The victim, striving for the unattainable goal of perfection, becomes more dependent on the abuser’s approval and more susceptible to manipulation. This dynamic reinforces the victim’s belief that they are at fault for the abuser’s dissatisfaction and that they must “do better” to maintain the relationship, even when the standards are unreasonably high or constantly changing.
= External Validation and Social Isolation: Manipulating Social Comparisons =
In many abusive relationships, the abuser will manipulate the victim’s need for external validation to further isolate and control them. By comparing the victim unfavorably to others or by suggesting that others would have “done better” in the victim’s position, the abuser deepens the victim’s feelings of inferiority and dependence.
For example, an abuser might say, “Anyone else would have handled this better than you did,” or “I wouldn’t have to act this way if you were more like so-and-so.” These comparisons can be devastating, as they undermine the victim’s confidence and make them feel as though they are uniquely flawed. The belief that they could or should “do better” becomes intertwined with a need for the abuser’s approval and the fear of social rejection or failure. This external validation trap keeps the victim isolated and more deeply enmeshed in the abusive relationship, as they strive to meet the abuser’s impossible standards to gain approval and avoid criticism.
= The Dark Side of “I Could Have Done Better” in Spirituality and Religion =
The idea of “I could have done better” can take on a particularly harmful form in the context of spirituality and religion. Throughout history, this thought has been used to instill guilt, control behavior, and reinforce power structures. Below are ten historical examples where this idea may have been manipulated or internalized in ways that hurt or entrapped people.
1. The Doctrine of Original Sin: Perpetual Unworthiness
The concept of original sin in Christianity suggests that all humans are born in a state of sin due to the disobedience of Adam and Eve. This doctrine has historically led to feelings of inherent unworthiness among believers, who may think they could have “done better” in resisting sin or living more righteously. The pervasive sense of guilt and inadequacy can result in a life-long struggle to attain spiritual purity, often leading to self-flagellation, excessive penance, or withdrawal from the world in an attempt to “do better.”
2. Monastic Asceticism: Extreme Self-Denial
In various religious traditions, such as Christianity, Buddhism, and Hinduism, monastic asceticism involves severe self-discipline and renunciation of worldly pleasures. Many ascetics believe that they must “do better” in purifying themselves and transcending earthly desires. This mindset has sometimes led to extreme practices, such as self-starvation, self-mutilation, and prolonged isolation, as seen in historical figures like St. Simeon Stylites, who spent decades atop a pillar in pursuit of spiritual perfection.
3. The Inquisition: Purging Heresy
During the Spanish Inquisition, the Catholic Church sought to root out heresy and enforce religious orthodoxy. Many individuals were tortured or executed because they were believed to have strayed from the true faith or could have “done better” in their religious devotion. The fear of not being pious enough led to widespread paranoia and false accusations, where even the most devout individuals were not safe from suspicion.
4. Witch Hunts: The Danger of Not Being “Good Enough”
During the witch hunts of the 16th and 17th centuries, particularly in Europe and North America, thousands of people—mostly women—were accused of witchcraft. Many of these accusations were based on the belief that individuals could have “done better” in adhering to religious norms or resisting the influence of the devil. The fear of not being devout or pure enough fueled mass hysteria, leading to brutal trials, torture, and executions.
5. Purgatory and Indulgences: Never Good Enough for Heaven
In medieval Christianity, the concept of purgatory—a place where souls were purified before entering heaven—became a powerful tool for the Church. The belief that one could always “do better” in life led to the selling of indulgences, where people paid money to reduce their or their loved ones’ time in purgatory. This practice exploited the fear of spiritual inadequacy and trapped people in a cycle of financial and emotional burden.
6. Flagellant Movements: Punishing the Flesh for Spiritual Failing
During the Black Death in the 14th century, groups of flagellants arose in Europe, believing that the plague was God’s punishment for humanity’s sins. These individuals would whip themselves in public processions, believing they had to “do better” in atoning for their sins. The movement, which often spiraled into fanaticism, resulted in increased social unrest and further spread of the plague due to the flagellants’ unsanitary practices.
7. Cult Dynamics: The Quest for Perfection
In cults, leaders often exploit the idea that followers must “do better” to achieve spiritual enlightenment or salvation. This is evident in the Jonestown massacre, where followers of Jim Jones were driven to extreme acts, including mass suicide, believing they had to prove their devotion and “do better” to attain a higher spiritual state. The same dynamic can be seen in other destructive cults, where the relentless pursuit of spiritual perfection leads to psychological manipulation, abuse, and even death.
8. Religious Wars: The Crusades
The Crusades, a series of religious wars initiated by the Latin Church in the medieval period, were driven by the belief that Christians needed to “do better” in reclaiming the Holy Land from Muslim control. This belief led to centuries of violent conflict, the loss of countless lives, and deep-seated animosities between religious communities that persist to this day. The idea of spiritual superiority and the need to “correct” the perceived failings of others through force was a key motivator in these bloody campaigns.
9. Religious Guilt and Mental Health: Martin Luther
Martin Luther, the father of the Protestant Reformation, experienced intense guilt and fear of not “doing better” in his spiritual life. Before his break with the Catholic Church, Luther engaged in extreme acts of penance and self-denial, tormented by the belief that he was never good enough in the eyes of God. This inner turmoil contributed to his eventual rejection of the Church’s teachings on salvation and penance, leading to significant theological shifts but also reflecting the deep psychological harm that religious guilt can inflict.
10. Modern Religious Extremism: Suicide Bombings
In the context of modern religious extremism, the idea of “I could have done better” is manipulated to drive individuals to commit acts of violence, including suicide bombings. Extremist groups often convince followers that they must “do better” in their commitment to the cause, which sometimes means sacrificing their lives in the name of religion. This form of manipulation capitalizes on spiritual guilt and the desire for redemption, leading to devastating consequences for individuals and society.
11. The After Death Life Review
In the context of the after death life review, here a person is presented with how they impacted others, showing room for improvements, which may trigger guilt, shame, regret and the feeling that you could have done better.
= The Relationship Between “I Could Have Done Better,” Guilt, and Shame =
The thought “I could have done better” often leads directly to feelings of guilt and shame, two powerful emotions that can deeply influence an individual’s psychological well-being and behavior. These emotions are not only significant in personal psychology but also play a profound role in society at large, shaping cultural norms, historical events, and even concepts of the afterlife.
= Guilt and Shame in Psychology: Internalizing Failure =
In psychology, guilt and shame are closely related but distinct emotions. Guilt arises when individuals believe they have violated their own moral standards or those of their society, often accompanied by the thought that they could have acted differently—i.e., “I could have done better.” Shame, on the other hand, is a more pervasive feeling of inadequacy that affects one’s sense of self. While guilt is often about a specific action, shame is about feeling fundamentally flawed.
Example from Psychology: The Cognitive Triad
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) identifies a “cognitive triad” of negative thoughts that contribute to depression: negative views about the self, the world, and the future. The thought “I could have done better” fits into this triad as it often leads to self-criticism (negative view of the self), a sense that the world is harsh or judgmental (negative view of the world), and hopelessness about one’s ability to change (negative view of the future). This pattern can lead to chronic guilt and shame, which are strongly associated with mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
Example from Society: The Cultural Imposition of Guilt
Societal norms and expectations often impose feelings of guilt and shame on individuals who fail to meet cultural standards. For instance, in many cultures, there are strict expectations regarding gender roles, family duties, and success. When individuals believe they have fallen short of these expectations—whether as parents, workers, or citizens—they may experience intense guilt and shame. This can be seen in the societal pressure on parents, particularly mothers, who are often made to feel guilty if they are perceived as not doing enough for their children, leading to widespread issues such as “mom guilt.”
= Guilt and Shame in Historical Context: National and Cultural Guilt =
The concept of “I could have done better” also extends to collective experiences, where societies or nations grapple with guilt and shame over historical events.
Example: Germany Post-World War II
After World War II, Germany as a nation experienced a profound sense of collective guilt over the Holocaust and the atrocities committed during the war. This national guilt has influenced German culture and politics for decades, leading to significant efforts at restitution, remembrance, and reconciliation. The idea that the nation “could have done better” during this period has been a driving force behind Germany’s ongoing commitment to acknowledging its past and promoting human rights.
Example: The United States and Slavery
Similarly, the legacy of slavery in the United States has led to a collective guilt and shame that continues to influence American society. The idea that the nation “could have done better” in its treatment of African Americans has fueled movements for civil rights, reparations, and racial justice. However, the persistence of systemic racism suggests that this guilt has not yet been fully reconciled, leading to ongoing social and political tensions.
= The Concept of a “Soul Trap” and the “Life Review” =
In many spiritual and esoteric traditions, there is a belief in a “Life Review” that occurs after death, where the soul re-experiences key moments from its life, often with an enhanced understanding of the consequences of its actions. The idea that “I could have done better” frequently arises in these life reviews, contributing to feelings of guilt and shame that can trap the soul in a cycle of regret.
1. The Life Review: A Double-Edged Sword
The Life Review is described in various spiritual traditions as a process where the soul relives moments from its life, often from the perspective of those it affected. This process can be enlightening, offering deep insights into the interconnectedness of all beings and the impact of one’s actions. However, it can also be painful, especially when the soul realizes that it could have acted with more compassion, understanding, or wisdom.
Example: Near-Death Experiences (NDEs)
Many people who have reported Near-Death Experiences (NDEs) describe a Life Review in which they re-experience their actions from the perspective of others. For some, this is accompanied by intense feelings of guilt and shame, as they recognize moments where they could have “done better” in treating others. These feelings can be overwhelming and are sometimes described as a form of purgatorial experience, where the soul must come to terms with its earthly actions before moving on.
2. The Soul Trap: Endless Cycles of Regret
The concept of a “Soul Trap” is found in some spiritual and occult traditions, where it is believed that souls can become trapped in cycles of guilt and shame after death, preventing them from moving on to higher states of existence. The idea of “I could have done better” plays a central role in this trap, as it can lead to an endless loop of self-judgment and regret.
Example: The Tibetan Book of the Dead
In Tibetan Buddhism, “The Tibetan Book of the Dead” describes the Bardo, a transitional state between death and rebirth. Souls in the Bardo are said to experience visions and hallucinations that reflect their karmic debts and attachments. Those who are unable to let go of their guilt, shame, and the belief that they could have “done better” may become trapped in lower realms of existence, destined to repeat their mistakes in future lives.
Example: Purgatory in Christian Theology
The concept of purgatory in Christian theology also reflects the idea of a soul trap, where souls must undergo purification for their sins before entering heaven. The belief that one could have “done better” in life can lead to prolonged suffering in purgatory, as the soul is cleansed of its guilt and shame. This notion has been used historically to instill fear and encourage moral behavior among the living, but it also reflects the deep psychological impact of unresolved guilt.
= Conclusion =
The idea of “I could have done better” is fraught with logical inconsistencies and cognitive traps. It is based on retrospective fallacies, leads to circular thinking, perpetuates the fallacy of perfectionism, and is often influenced by external validation. Recognizing the futility of this thought pattern is essential for breaking free from the cycle of self-doubt and embracing a more realistic and compassionate perspective on personal growth and decision-making. By understanding these logical flaws, individuals can learn to accept their past actions with greater clarity and move forward with confidence, rather than being trapped in a never-ending quest for an unattainable “better” or utilizing that as fuel for depression or lack of action.
The thought “I could have done better” is not only a logical fallacy but also a powerful tool of manipulation in abusive relationships. Whether through gaslighting, circular thinking, perfectionism, or external validation, abusers exploit this idea to control and diminish their victims. Recognizing the futility of this thought pattern and understanding how it is used to maintain power dynamics in abusive relationships is crucial for breaking free from the cycle of abuse. By seeing through these manipulations, victims can begin to reclaim their self-worth and autonomy, freeing themselves from the mental traps that keep them bound to their abusers.
The idea of “I could have done better” has been used throughout history to manipulate, control, and harm individuals within religious and spiritual contexts. From the guilt of original sin to the horrors of religious wars and cult dynamics, this thought has often served as a tool for power, exploitation, and destruction. Recognizing these dark patterns is crucial for understanding the ways in which religious and spiritual teachings can be twisted to serve harmful ends, and for promoting healthier, more compassionate approaches to spirituality.
The idea of “I could have done better” is a powerful force that can lead to intense feelings of guilt and shame, both in individual psychology and in broader societal contexts. Historically, this thought has been used to control behavior, instill fear, and maintain power structures, leading to significant psychological and social consequences. In the spiritual realm, this idea can manifest in the concept of a Soul Trap, where unresolved guilt and shame prevent souls from progressing to higher states of existence. Recognizing the dark side of this thought and its potential to entrap individuals and societies is essential for promoting healing, growth, and liberation, both in life and beyond.