Communicate … For Real

Communicate & connect, for real. When you want to be understood, if you are on the same team, it is prudent to communicate in a non-violent manner and in a positive manner with less blame (don’t be a victim avoid the Drama Triangle ) and with more constructive and compassionate dialogue.

How?

  1. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) or “I-statements”. Nonviolent communication, emphasizes expressing feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing others. By focusing on one’s own emotions and experiences rather than placing blame, it fosters understanding and empathy in conversations. It also avoids placing you in the Drama Triangle dynamics or making the other into a persecutor. I-statements are a core part of this approach. Instead of saying, “You make me feel anxious,” which can sound accusatory, you would say something like, “I feel anxious when this happens.” This shifts the focus from blaming the other person to expressing your own experience, which often leads to more constructive and compassionate communication.
  2. Assertive Communication: This is a communication style where you express your feelings, thoughts, and needs directly and honestly, without aggression or passivity. Assertive communication respects both your own boundaries and the boundaries of the other person.
  3. Emotionally Intelligent Communication: This approach emphasizes understanding and managing your own emotions while also being sensitive to the emotions of others. It is about communicating in a way that fosters empathy and emotional awareness.
  4. Compassionate Communication: Similar to nonviolent communication, this emphasizes understanding and empathy when expressing feelings. The goal is to connect through mutual respect and care, rather than through blame or judgment.
  5. Mindful Communication: This approach involves being present and aware of both your own emotional state and the other person’s. It focuses on non-reactivity, patience, and intentionality in communication, avoiding knee-jerk reactions or emotional outbursts.
  6. Collaborative Communication: Often used in conflict resolution, this style emphasizes working together to solve issues or understand feelings rather than focusing on winning an argument or assigning blame.
  7. Person-Centered Communication: Rooted in humanistic psychology (e.g., Carl Rogers), this focuses on expressing oneself in a way that prioritizes empathy, unconditional positive regard, and genuine understanding of the other person’s perspective.
  8. DBT skills and others.. Look at the links found at the end of this page for more

How??

We all carry beliefs about ourselves, our partner, and our relationships. These beliefs shape how we behave and interact. Shifting your perspective on “communication” can help you communicate, for real.

“It’s Not Really About the Dishes / Trash “

Do you find yourselves arguing over small tasks like washing the dishes or taking out the trash? The frustration likely isn’t truly about the chore itself. There’s often a deeper issue—perhaps feeling unappreciated or disregarded. Instead of letting those small conflicts grow, try to express how you’re really feeling, rather than assuming your partner knows. It’s about the pattern.

“It’s Not About Being Right”

If you’re locked in a debate over who’s “right,” you might be missing the bigger picture. It’s less about assigning blame and more about addressing each person’s emotional needs. When you take a step back and imagine how your partner feels, it opens up space for empathy, even if you don’t fully agree with their perspective. You can be enemies, or allies. When you insist on winning, against someone you care about, you both lose.

“It’s Not the Number of Arguments“

Frequent arguments are often tied to repeating patterns. The problem isn’t the individual fights, or the object of the fight (laundry, dishes, trash, etc), but the cycle and pattern you’re caught in. It may feel like a new disagreement each time, but underneath, it’s often the same core issue resurfacing. Look for the recurring themes. Look at the pattern.

It’s About the Emotions

While the way you communicate is important, what truly matters is the emotional undertone beneath your words. Shifting your perspective on your partner and relationship helps foster better communication and makes the tough moments a little easier to handle. It is always about emotions, even when you are dealing with a man. it is up to you both to decide, are you on the same team or in a war where one person has to win?

Examples of things you could say:

These can be very short sentences or ones with a request.

  • I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can you help me make sense of it?
  • I’m feeling disconnected lately. Can we talk about it together?
  • I’m feeling a bit anxious. Would you be open to hearing me out?
  • I’m feeling uncertain about this. Can we explore it together?
  • I’m struggling with some emotions right now. Can we sit with it for a moment?
  • I’m feeling something, will you understand it with me?
  • I realize I’m feeling vulnerable right now. Could you be patient with me as I sort through it?
  • I’m feeling a bit unsure about how to move forward.
  • I’m struggling, could you help me understand it better?
  • I feel anxious when this happens.
  • I feel fear when this happens.
  • I feel (muscle) tension when this happens.
  • I feel a bit off, can we figure this out together?
  • I’m feeling overwhelmed, can you sit with me for a moment?
  • I’m struggling with this topic.
  • I feel a bit off.
  • I’m feeling emotional.
  • I’m feeling overwhelmed.
  • “I want you to know that (pick one): my body isn’t feeling the best, I didn’t sleep well, I am feeling weakness, I have a headache, I am hangry, I feel weak, I feel tension in my (body part) muscles, I am thirsty, I am feeling sad” … “And I want to respond/join with/reply to you” .. “And, I want you to know what I am experiencing now which is impacting my ability to respond/join/reply.”

How???

Practice mindfulness of thoughts and feelings, own them. Once aware, notice or become aware of the pattern of communication problems. This will help shift the focus from “my partner is the problem” or “something must be wrong with my needs” to “the pattern is the problem“.

This pattern starts with you, work within and explore. Naturally, this goes without saying, don’t neglect your values, safety, and boundaries. Assertive, positive, compassionate, non-violent communication does not mean approval of unhealthy behaviors.

Rinse and repeat.

Note: The above is a simplified self-help version. In many cases on-going therapy and couple’s counseling will be required to help both people explore the patterns and change them. Some times the partner may not be willing to get rid of, let go, or forgive the old patterns, even when the patterns are unhealthy.

These pages are helpful and complement the information presented above: